Forward Page 4

  Is he kidding me right now? I haven’t seen him in seven years and he’s asking me to compare the sex between him and Tom?

  “He doesn’t make me cry, or feel alone,” I snap, looking at him again directly in the eye. The bus rocking and swaying around us. If he wants answers, I’ll give him answers. “Tom,” I say, stressing his name. “Makes me feel loved, you son of bitch. Now get the fuck away from me.” I push him back, and this time he lets me. I point my finger at his chest. A burning sensation creeps up behind my eyes and on the tip of my nose. “You have no right or place in my life anymore. You made your choice long ago, live with it.” I jab my finger at him. “I did.” Turning away from him, I try desperately not to cry. The bus is coming to the stop before my own, but I don’t care. I’d rather walk than be stuck on this bus with him any longer. I step towards the doors, trying not to fall on my ass as the momentum of the bus forces me off balance.

  “Do you remember what I made you promise never to forget?” Levi whispers close behind me again. I don’t move or acknowledge him, but my tears can no longer be helped. Yes. Yes, I do remember. Those were his last words to me. “I meant every word I said to you that night.” He brushes my hair away from my shoulder, placing a soft kiss on the junction between my shoulder and neck.

  My eyes close as his lips make contact, more tears spilling down my cheeks. A sob breaks out of my mouth before I can stop it, but the sound is masked by the screeching of the bus as it comes to a stop. I get off as fast as I can, practically pushing a man out of my way, knowing that this time Levi won’t follow me.

  5

  I run into the Starbucks on the corner, even though I don’t drink coffee. There is no way I can see Tom right now and discuss our future without taking a minute to breathe and collect myself. I want to laugh out loud at that. Why does the universe have to be so perverse?

  And now I’m rhyming.

  Just perfect.

  Could this day get any worse?

  I end up staying for over a half an hour, even ordering a hot chocolate so I won’t seem like a crazy person crying in the corner. Somehow, I doubt the addition of a cup in my hand makes me appear any less insane with ugly tears on my face while I frantically pace. The looks I’m getting from the other patrons only confirm this.

  And now that I’m thinking about it, Starbucks really should offer alcohol with their coffee. I mean, I’m sure there are plenty of people who really could use a drink. It’s just wrong that they don’t extend them that courtesy. Don’t they understand that sometimes coffee, or in this case hot chocolate, just isn’t getting the job done?

  By the time I make it to Tom’s, I’m presentable, even if I did have to wash my face with cold water in the bathroom. Tom is in his comfy clothes, which consist of a worn, gray Red Sox tee—that I bought him—and black track pants that hang from his hips just so. His blond hair is relaxed now, curling at the ends and flopping over his forehead.

  He looks all kinds of hot and sexy.

  And I find that I want to fling myself into his arms to erase every other memory that has taken hold of me since the bus.

  “Finally, I was about to send out the hounds for you. What took you so bloody long?” he asks with a smile, wrapping his arms around me in a strong loving embrace.

  “The bus was a nightmare,” I tell him as I nuzzle into his neck, breathing in his familiar scent. I’m not entirely lying.

  “Well, you made it, so let’s fix you a drink, shall we? Wine, or something a bit stronger?” he asks, kissing my head as we walk through the foyer together into the huge open loft space. The building is a converted warehouse, and his apartment boasts twenty-foot ceilings and an amazing view through his floor-to-ceiling windows. His place is easily three times the size of mine, and my apartment is big by New York standards.

  “Surprise me.” I smile at him, loving the way he plays with my hair. We’re simple, easy, and uncomplicated. I can count the amount of fights we’ve had on one hand. I love that about him—about us.

  We’re comfortable.

  Some might see that as a bad thing, but I don’t.

  Comfort doesn’t leave you in the middle of the night after telling you how much they’ll love you forever.

  “Right. You got it. I was just watching sports, but put on whatever you’d like.” He gestures to the massive television hanging above the exposed brick of the fireplace in his open concept living room. He kisses me quickly on the lips and then makes his way over to the bar. I walk over to the large leather sectional, plopping myself down with a slight bounce on the firm yet soft leather.

  I always found it funny that Tom likes American sports so much, particularly baseball. He loves the Red Sox, which he says he picked up at Harvard. He’s become so Americanized over the years, it makes me wonder about how I would adjust to life in the UK. I bet I’ll start to rock a fake British accent like Madonna. I realize I’ll only be there a year, but still. Wow, where did that thought come from? Apparently I’m already thinking that I’m going.

  And maybe I am.

  Maybe that makes the most sense.

  Go with Tom and never look back.

  He saunters back in and hands me a vodka and limoncello, one of my favs. “Thanks, just what I needed.” I smile as he sits down next to me, entangling our legs together.

  “You’re just what I needed.” His voice is soft as he looks into my eyes before leaning in and giving me a searing kiss. His lips are sweet and commanding, and I love the way they mold to mine. He pulls back, turning to the TV and I place my head on his shoulder. “So, do you fancy going out or getting delivery service?” I laugh. “What is it?”

  “You’re not dressed for going out, and neither am I.”

  “We could change if that’s what you want.”

  “Nah, let’s do delivery. I’m wiped.”

  “You do look a bit knackered. Did you manage any sleep today?” He leans back, cupping my cheek gently with his hand.

  “Yeah, I did actually. Thank you, Captain Benadryl.” I wink. “It was a busy night, and I have a lot on my mind,” I tell him, taking a big sip of the lemony goodness.

  “Are you keen to talk more about it, or are you still mulling things over?” He turns his body to me, searching my eyes, trying to read my reaction.

  I shrug. “You’re really ready for this? With me?” I ask, still a bit skeptical. We’re not only talking about moving in together, we’re talking about moving to a foreign country together.

  He laughs at me like I’m an idiot for even asking. “Do I not make it clear every second I can how much I love you? I would have a ring on your finger if I didn’t know for a fact that it would scare the bloody hell out of you and probably send you running from me.” I turn to him, eyes wide, mouth agape, because we have never ever even talked about marriage. “See.” He smiles, closing my mouth his with hand. “That expression is why I’ve never brought it up before.”

  I swallow hard. Blinking a few times. “I’m just surprised, is all.”

  “If not horrified,” he teases, but I see the hurt in his eyes.

  “I’m not horrified, Tom.” I shake my head at him, our eyes locking, so he knows I mean it. “But I’m only twenty-five. I guess I didn’t know you were already there. I mean,” I smirk, “I know I’m awesome and all,” I tease, earning myself a nudge to the ribs.

  “I’ve been there, as you put it, since I first saw you.” That earns him a kiss. “I’m twenty-eight, so yes, I’m there. I’m also not pressuring you, nor am I proposing to you…yet. I want you to come with me to London. I’m hoping that it will lead to other things eventually, but like I said, no pressure.”

  “One step at a time and all that?”

  He pulls a lock of my hair and starts twisting it in his fingers.

  “Precisely. I did some research today,” his eyes crinkle, “and I don’t think you’ll be able to work there without a visa. It’s rather difficult to get, and would probably require more time than we have.”

&nbs
p; I look down, finding that hard to hear. “What would I even do with myself then?”

  “You’ll be London,” he says, like that answers everything. “It’s an incredible city, and I’m sure, knowing you, you’ll find much to keep yourself occupied.”

  “I need to take my NP boards. In America,” I add, still studying my hands that are twisting around in my lap. “I can’t wait a year to do that, or I’ll fail.”

  “All right. When do you take them?”

  I shrug, still bothered by the not-being-able-to-work thing. “Probably sometime this summer. August maybe?” My eyes glide up, finding his.

  “Well, you could come and study there, and can fly home to take your exam. Maybe we’ll take a holiday back here in August. Most of Europe closes up for the summer holidays around then. It would be a good time to do it.” He smiles brightly at this idea with so much hope in his eyes, I find myself smiling too.

  “You have all the answers then, don’t you?”

  He leans in kissing me softly. “These are simple questions. Easy to answer. The only hard question is whether or not you want to do this with me?”

  He’s right. That is the only hard question. Despite Levi’s sudden resurgence, I’m oddly tempted to say yes to Tom right here and now. I still don’t answer him. I need more time to really understand what saying yes to him means.

  It means a future, possibly a forever with him.

  That’s as tempting as it is terrifying.

  “I won’t push you on this. It has to come from you. You already know how I feel and what I want.” He kisses me again licking his lips when he pulls back.

  Part of me wants to tell him about Levi, but something stops me and I don’t really understand it. Maybe it’s because I don’t know what I would tell him and certainly don’t want Tom thinking that any reservations I have about London come from Levi.

  They don’t.

  The two are not related.

  I haven’t seen that bastard in seven years, and within hours of his resurgence he makes me cry. I had spent many, many months crying over him. Levi promised he’d love me forever. That I was it for him, all he’d ever want, and then he was gone.

  Just like that.

  No explanation.

  No breakup.

  He literally vanished. Left school, his friends, everything. And no one knew where he went. Even his mother told me that she didn’t know where he was, though I think she was lying because she moved away not even a year later. It’s incredible what something like that can do to you. To your sense of self-worth.

  I mean, Christ, I was only eighteen and I was so absolutely in love. He was my dream guy in every way, and then he was gone.

  I was totally blind-sided.

  I love Tom, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love someone again the way I loved Levi.

  Part of me is actually hoping I never see Levi again, so I can continue with my life, but a masochistic part of me is hoping he seeks me out. That he sits me down and explains why he left and everything he’s done after that. I’ll never call him to talk, ever. It’s going to have to come from him. . .if that’s even what he really wants.

  It’s not like he actually tried to talk to me earlier. That was more like an assault.

  Tom has his hand on my knee, and is slowly sliding it up my thigh. Before he can do anything else, I put my drink down on the coffee table. I climb onto his lap, straddling him, taking him by surprise. I’m not always this bold with him, but tonight I need the distraction. “Tom?” I kiss my way over his neck and suck on his ear. He lets out a low groan. He loves it when I do that.

  “Yeah, love?” he moans, grabbing onto my ass and squeezing me with his large hands.

  I pull back from his neck, looking him in the eyes. “I need you to fuck me. I love you, but I don’t want you to make love to me.”

  His eyes widen, clearly not expecting my brazen words.

  Eyes blazing with fire and need, he crashes his lips to mine like the only source of air in this room is inside my mouth. I moan into his, because this is exactly what I need. Passion and heat. I need to be fucked into oblivion. He stands and I wrap my legs around his waist as he carries me to his bedroom. Tossing me onto the bed, he rips off my shirt, followed by my jeans.

  We’ve never been like this. He’s never this aggressive with me, and I’m so turned on by it, I’m panting in anticipation. He strips himself after leaving me in my bra and panties. “You want me to fuck you? You think I’ve been too easy on you?” he growls, standing in front of me naked.

  I nod. I beg.

  He gives me a wicked grin before leaning over, grabbing the thin string of my thong and ripping it off. A startled gasp escapes my lips, but his wicked grin quickly shuts me up. Climbing over my body, he settles himself, putting his weight on his elbows and hovering over me. He looks deep into my eyes and I feel it everywhere.

  “Just so we’re clear here. I’ve wanted to do this to you since I laid eyes on you. You are the most incredibly sexy woman I know, and tonight I’m going to do everything I’ve always dreamed of to you.” Before I can say anything he captures my mouth hungrily, and we don’t come up for air for more than an hour.

  We’re sitting on his couch snuggled up together, watching a hockey game of all things, and eating Thai food. “I still find it funny that you like Boston sports teams,” I muse. “I mean, what are the odds that I’d find a Brit who also likes my teams?” I smirk up at him.

  “When I came to the states to attend university, I fell in love with Boston. Harvard was full of blokes from all over the world, but Jack, my suite mate, was from South Boston. He drilled all of it into me from our first moment. Everything Boston is addictive.” He pokes me in the ribs, eliciting a giggle from me as he nuzzles his nose into my hair.

  He’s so cute when he’s being playful. His playful mood all but vanishes the next second as he looks at me with a somber expression. He wants me to come with him. He wants our forever, but is too wonderful to push me. He’s leaving for work with or without me, and I know I would never ask him to stay. I couldn’t do that to him, just as he’d never do that to me if I said I couldn’t do it.

  A huge part of me is about to say yes and go with it, but something is holding me back, and I hate it. I also hate that the something just showed back up to throw my balanced life off kilter.

  “Thoughts? You’re looking like you have something on your mind,” he asks, watching my face intently.

  “I have so many questions that I don’t even know where to start,” I breathe out.

  “Start with the hardest and work from there.” Tom takes my hand, squeezing it reassuringly.

  “Okay.” I pause, swallowing loudly. I’m not sure I want this answer, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need it. “What about my apartment here? It’s mine and I don’t want to sell it.”

  “Well,” he starts, putting the container of noodles on the table, before turning back to me, giving me his full attention. “Amara is living there now.” I nod. “If it’s a money thing, you can let it out while we’re gone, or I can cover any extra expenses.” He looks nervous when he says the last part, almost like he’s waiting for me to blow up at him, knowing I hate it when he tries to pay for everything.

  “You already know I won’t let you do that.” I shake my head at him. “I’ll cover it or sublet it. It’s not like I’m paying a mortgage anyway, just taxes and utilities.” He nods at me, but an amusing smile plays at his lips. Probably because I just indicated I was going, but I choose to go on, ignoring this. “You said your company is renting you a place. Do they pay for that, or do you?”

  “They do. It’s a corporate flat so we don’t have a choice on anything. It’s a furnished two-bedroom.” I look away, over towards the large floor-to-ceiling windows that appear more like mirrors, reflecting the lights of the room against the dark sky outside. Am I really considering this?

  I think I just might be.

  “I don’t know what I would do every d
ay,” I admit, my eyes still locked on the glass as I play with his fingers in my hand. “I’m afraid I’d get very bored and lonely by myself all the time.” I look back at him now because I need him to understand me. “I love my job.” His blue eyes crinkle as he listens to me. “What I do. I don’t know how to give that up, even for a year, to sit around and do nothing.”

  He lets out a heavy sigh. “I know, dove.” He reaches for my face, cupping it, the understanding clear in his eyes. “Believe me, I know. We’d figure something out, even if it’s just having you help out at hospital. Is that the main thing holding you back or is it. . .something else?”

  I smile at his nervous expression because I can almost see his heart rate increasing as he waits for my answer. “Honestly,” I sigh, “that’s my main thing. That, and it’s a huge step in a foreign country. It’s a lot of pressure on us.”

  “I want that with you,” Tom says without hesitation or reservation. “I want a forever with you.” I nod but look down all the same because I was told that once before and it all went to shit. “I know you’re scared.” He lifts my chin up so that our eyes meet. “Take all the time you need, but it would make it easier if you decided before I leave next month.”

  “Okay, I can tell you before that.” I smile up at him, leaning in to kiss him. He tastes spicy from the Thai food and I like the heat of it on my tongue. A month. I have a month to figure out my future.

  6

  My phone pings, jolting me out of sleep. I look around frantically as it takes me a minute to realize I’m still at Tom’s. He’s fast asleep next to me, not roused by my loud ass phone or my sudden movement. Outside it’s still dark, but I can see dawn creeping in. I have no idea what time it is, so I lean forward to see if I can catch a glimpse of the alarm clock on Tom’s nightstand. The bright red numbers shine five-fifteen. Who the fuck could be texting me now, unless it’s someone from work?